Category

Challenges

Parenting in Hard Seasons

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Resources, Wisdom

It has been a challenging year. Parenting is stressful, but parenting in a hard season can push one to the brink.

For most, school is a time of respite for both parents and children. Kids get a break from their parents and parents get a break from their kids. However, with school closed this spring, parents moved into the role of parent and teacher. You were with your kids 24/7. Your stress level may have increased as your time away diminished (or vanished completely).

And now school is out; summer is here. (Am I the only one who felt like summer break started back in March?) Goodness, it is going to feel like a long summer.

So if you are struggling, here is a list of resources to help you survive what may be the longest summer break in history.

Overcoming Exhaustion
Parenting Survival Guide
Loving your Child When it is Hard
Strengthening Your Support System
Adjusting Your Expectations

How do you cope in hard seasons?

Preparing Older Kids for Adulthood

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with The Adoption Connection to talk about how to prepare older kids for adulthood.

We wanted to share this conversation with you as well. I share information as a mom who recently launched a child. But I also share stories from some of the families we interviewed for our book. We hope you find this information to be helpful on your parenting journey!

You can also find additional helpful tips on my recent post Launching your Child into Adulthood.

Helping an Older Child Adjust to Your Home

By | Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

This post written by both Dr. Kris and Dr. Kelly was originally posted as a guest post on AdoptUSKids.

When you adopt a child, it’s easy to focus on their immediate needs: home, food, routine, education, people, etc. These are all important, and your child certainly experiences significant changes that require patience, love, and understanding from you as they adjust to their unfamiliar life. But there are other areas of focus that can help an older child adjust as well.

Be trustworthy. Your child may not have experienced trustworthy adults. Tell the truth. Keep your word. Be predictable. Guard your child’s business carefully. When you make a mistake, admit it, apologize, and seek ways to make things right. Remember that it will take time to build trust if the child has experienced significant broken promises in the past.

Communicate expectations. Your household rules may be different from what your child experienced. Your child may not be used to the structure and schedule of your family. Think about changes you might make based on what the child is used to and most comfortable with. Consider posting your schedule so everyone knows what to expect, but prepare for moments when a family member needs flexibility in the schedule (more down time or additional one-on-one attention, sensory activities, rest time, etc.).

Encourage honesty. Let your child be honest without taking their words personally. Give them opportunities to express thoughts and feelings without responding as though your feelings are hurt. Allowing them to be heard will encourage communication.

Give them alone time. Your child may express a desire to be alone, or you may sense that they want alone time. If you ask them and they say “yes,” then you should provide a safe space for the child to be alone. The child may need some time to relax; have some peace and quiet; or want to express sadness, anxiety, anger, etc. in private. Alone time can also be good for reading a book, listening to music, or drawing. You may need to balance some alone time and time bonding with the family.

Be open-minded and accepting. Your child may have traditions or habits that seem odd or unacceptable in your family, such as eating fast, chewing with an open mouth, or using inappropriate language. Do not attempt to change every habit that you think needs changing. Prioritize relationship-building first and then, over time, address the most significant behaviors (perhaps safety-related) and leave the rest for later.

Let them be a kid. Your child may have faced more responsibilities and concerns than other kids their age, including having been in a parenting role and caring for younger children. They may not know how to play independently and may need to be entertained. Give them opportunities to be a kid and express needs or interests of a younger child. This might mean letting your teenager play with dolls or toy cars, allowing them to play dress-up, or letting your preteen snuggle with you and read picture books. Parent to your child’s needs, rather than the date on their birth certificate.

Serve familiar foods and make food available. Your child may have eaten different foods than your family regularly eats. Have some of their favorite foods on hand. You might serve something familiar at every meal or include familiar food in their regular meal plan rotation. Consider the needs of your child first and then make it work for your family. Some children had limited access to food and may worry food will not always be available. For children with food insecurities, it is especially important to have snacks readily accessible.

Plan for a good night’s sleep. Some children may never have slept in their own room. Consider making a cot on the floor by your bed to help your child adjust to your home. Some children may want to sleep with the overhead light on, or they may want a nightlight or small lamp on at night. Some may feel safer and sleep better with toys arranged a certain way and left untouched by others.

Provide opportunities for therapy. Depending on their age, talk with your social worker about incorporating Theraplay, play therapy, filial therapy (an empowering form of family therapy), art therapy, or equine therapy into your child’s routine. Family therapy may be beneficial in promoting collaboration and connection as well. Group therapy can be beneficial for several reasons, including letting your child hear from other children.

When Adult Children Struggle

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

I’ve noticed a common theme on social media lately: Our adult children are struggling. But parents are struggling, too. I do not have all the answers, but I’ve learned a few things in the last two years since my daughter launched.

Kids from hard places struggle more than kids with little trauma in their background.

All parents desire the very best for their children. We often want to make our children’s lives easier. It is why we’ve invested in a variety of extracurricular activities to help them discover their passions. It is why we encouraged years of therapy to help them heal. And it’s why we attend conferences and read books to better parent our children through their past trauma.

All of those are great tools. But I’ve realized something else, too.

Our kids have to choose.

Whether it is hard for them to choose healing because they can’t or because they won’t, they still have to choose. They have to choose to do the hard work to heal. They have to choose to attend therapy. They have to choose to face the past trauma. They have to choose to practice the techniques and use the tools. We cannot do the work for them (although don’t we wish we could?). It is their work to do.

So what can we do?

Pray. It seems the least active, but it truly is the most powerful. Pray for their healing. Pray for their protection. Pray they will make right choices. Pray that God would correct any wrong thinking (in them and in you). Pray that you will have the wisdom to know how best to help them.

Support. It means listening when they are sharing their hardship. It means saying “Wow. That sounds hard.” Or “Gosh, I’m sorry you experienced ___ (a difficulty in a relationship; losing your job; a hard day at work, etc.).” It means offering them a home cooked meal or bringing them a bag of groceries when they have little to eat. It may mean helping them pay their rent. But it might not mean giving them money. It might not mean letting them move back home. It might not mean solving their problems for them. And sometimes it may even mean not giving them advice.

Accept. It means accepting that there is only so much you can do to help your child heal. It means accepting your child may not change today, in the near future or ever. It means accepting that your child is not where you dream or desire them to be. It means accepting that when you have done your best your child’s behavior may still be embarrassing and bring judgment from others. It means accepting you cannot fix them; their behavior is not a reflection of your parenting. It means accepting them where they are, although it is hard to accept that they are not making different choices.

It is incredibly difficult to see our children make poor choices. It is hard to see them continue to make the same choices that cause them to struggle. It is hard not to want to fix it for them. But once our children become adults, our role has changed to one of acceptance and emotional support.

Things to Consider when Looking for a Therapist

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Resources, Wisdom

Finding a therapist with adoption experience – specifically older child adoption experience – who is trauma- or attachment-focused can seem nearly impossible. We have some recommendations for finding a therapist or counselor who uses a developmentally appropriate approach.

Seek Recommendations

  • Look for recommendations of therapists or counselors who work with children and families. Check with other adoptive families, professionals (such as pediatrician, family lawyer, social worker, pediatric occupational therapist, audiologist, school counselor), family and friends, your employer, or your insurance company.

Search Online

  • There are online services like GoodTherapy.org, PsychologyToday.com, and others that can be helpful in locating therapists in your area; however, keep in mind that listed therapists pay a fee for membership to be included on these lists. There are some great therapists listed, but there will be some great ones not listed, and others may be listed but not so great.
  • There are many professional organizations, institutes, and networks that contain directories of therapists and other support that may assist in your search (such as Attachment & Trauma Network, Inc; Association for Training on Trauma and Attachments in Children (ATTACh); The Theraplay® Institute; The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN); TF-CBT National Therapist Certification Program).

Travel Distance

  • Good and convenient often do not go hand-in-hand. You can probably find a therapist 10 minutes from your house, but you might find a better one who is worth a longer dive. A longer drive home can provide time to process feelings and thoughts from the therapy session.

One or More Therapists?

  • There are no easy answers to the question of should we have one therapist or multiple therapists. Discussing the pros and cons with the therapist will be helpful in avoiding potential pitfalls in your therapeutic work.

Therapist’s Gender

  • You will want to choose the gender you or your child prefer to work with. However, your reasons may be something you need to discuss with the counselor.

Things to Ask Therapists

  • Are you a licensed counselor or therapist?
  • Are you a registered therapist, or do you have any additional certifications?
  • What is your training or educational background?
  • What percentage of clients are adolescents (if you are seeking counseling for your teen)? …families? …foster, adoption, or attachment related issues? …trauma related?
  • How much of your work involves the use of art, play, or team building exercises with adolescents and with families?
  • What do you believe is required for healing?
  • Do you work with other professionals in your clients’ lives, such as medical doctors, psychiatrists, schools, or other interventionists?
  • Are you willing to work with both our family and our child individually, or do you suggest we have different therapists?
  • If you will be seeing our child individually, how involved or informed will we be?
  • Do you make referrals if you identify my child or family needs additional or different services?
  • Do you provide psychoeducational assessments* or do you have someone you recommend who does?  

*A variety of psychoeducational assessments are available to assess individual aptitudes, attitudes, abilities, achievements, interests, personal characteristics, disabilities, and mental, emotional and behavioral disorders.

Ask About Their Fees

  • If you cannot afford them, tell them what you can afford because this could be a long-term process. Some may be willing to reduce their fees.
  • Many community clinics can provide counseling on a sliding scale fee.
  • Some universities have clinics where students-in-training provide counseling at a lower cost. However, they are students, and therefore they will not have the training and experience of a fully-trained therapist.   

Listen to Your Intuition

  • Is the person you are talking to trying to sell themselves or are they really telling you about how they work?
  • Who makes you feel the most relaxed and encouraged?

It is our belief that it is essential for therapists or counselors to network with caregivers, school personnel, and sometimes other professionals to obtain a complete and accurate picture of the child and his or her needs. We also like the use of assessments that are up-to-date, valid, and reliable. If you struggle to find a therapist or counselor who fits our suggested criteria, you may find one who is willing to research and learn. Remember, counseling is an investment that often brings great returns. 

What Is Going on with My Child? Looking for Root Causes of Behaviors

By | Challenges, Parenting

Last month, I received a message from a mom in crisis. She was overwhelmed by her child’s behavioral challenges which led her to fearing her child had Oppositional Defiant Disorder or some other disorder. She was concerned, overwhelmed, and exhausted; and her child was displaying violent behaviors. I believed she had valid concerns, so I wanted to hear more as I helped her find a solution.

Whenever I talk with parents, my first question usually is, “have either you or your child been ill recently?” Why is this important? Because when we are sick, we usually do not act like ourselves. A week earlier had been unusual for the family since mom was sick. If she wasn’t feeling well, it is natural the child picked up on that. Not realizing how bad mom felt, the child might have misinterpreted mom as being irritable with the child. Sometimes our kids (or others) take things personally by mistake.

Upon hearing that mom had been sick, I asked if the child had complained about not feeling well recently. Mom said the child had stomachaches. I asked about the child’s bowel movements and discovered the child struggled going to the restroom. I asked if mom had previously noticed a correlation between the child’s behavior and the child’s bowel movements. She said she observes more negative behaviors when the child has not had a bowel movement for a few days. Perhaps the child’s behaviors have been abnormally heightened due to not feeling well (perhaps the child caught what made mom sick or is fighting it off – which makes the body work harder and tire easier, or perhaps the child is just backed up and feeling bloated). I asked mom if the child took probiotics or a gentle laxative. She said no, but she had previously considered it. (Always talk to your child’s doctor about these things!)

So maybe it’s not “what’s wrong with this kid?”; rather, it’s “what’s going on?” Whenever, things are tough we must look at the big picture and examine the small changes going on in our world AND the child’s world. School is out for summer break, so the child is no longer around teachers or friends. Mom was no longer getting a break from the child being at school, and mom had been sick.

Things to consider for addressing some negative behaviors can include:

  • Communicate any parenting changes with the child (e.g., new expectations, rules, consequences or rewards), emphasizing that the changes will help everyone.
  • Consistency is key. Everyone needs to be on the same page, including the family’s external support system.
  • Communicate with friends and family before problematic behaviors arise. Alert them of your plan so they are not surprised in the moment. The immediate goal is to keep everyone safe and deescalate negative situations. Stating “sorry we have to go now” to friends and family should suffice if you have stated your plan ahead of time.
  • Your child may refuse to leave. Prepare for what options you and your friends or family are comfortable with if that becomes the case. Perhaps the plan would be to have others remove themselves or their child so you and your child can be alone in the child’s current spot.
  • The child may prefer to lay on the floor, hit/throw a pillow, sit in your lap, or go to a corner to be alone. Remaining close by or by exits might be necessary to keep everyone safe.
  • Be prepared by having a drink and snacks or calming activities on hand. Carry items like: chewing gum, crayons and coloring pages, a book to read, playing cards, a notebook for writing/drawing feelings out, playdoh/modeling clay, or materials to make a bracelet as an outlet for your child.
  • Sensory or repetitive type activities can be very calming. You can also suggest rocking in a rocking chair, tossing a ball, pushing against a wall, going for a walk, riding a bike, jumping like a frog, having a dance party, or listening to calming music.
  • Remember to communicate the plan with your child. “If we have to leave, and you cannot walk out to the car with me, then I will need to carry you or ask someone to help me get you into the car.”

If you know your child is struggling, limit your time in public, but do not isolate from friends or family. Consider activities at your own home or theirs. Make sure everyone is on board with the plan if a negative behavioral issue needs to be addressed. Having your kids in social situations or you modeling social skills are great learning tools for your kids. Utilizing consequences, positive reinforcements, or rewards are other ways to help your kids learn how certain situations could be handled.

Look for changes and reasons as to why the child’s behavior might be different. Consider:

  • As the weather gets warmer, take breaks and drink lots of water.
  • How can I help this child’s situation?
  • What does this child want?
  • What does this child need right now? If you believe your child may be hungry or thirsty, say “here is a glass of cold water for you. Would you also like a snack?” If you think the child needs to feel loved, ask “can I give you a hug?” Reassure the child you love them even when you don’t love their behaviors.

A follow-up with this mom revealed they started the child on probiotics, were implementing positive reinforcements, and were giving the child a no tolerance hitting policy. The child’s violent behavior had diminished dramatically. Instead of considering Oppositional Defiant Disorder, we discussed the child may feel situational anxiety about what to expect over the summer. Perhaps the child was feeling disappointed when mom was sick or angry over expectations not being met. Or simply the child was fighting off sickness.

Sometimes we just need to give ourselves and our kids some grace instead of creating more anxiety for everyone. And always strive for being aware. Look for intentions and explore expectations.

Adjusting Your Expectations

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

The beginning of a new year provides us the opportunity to reflect and look at our own expectations.

Unrealistic expectations put too much unnecessary pressure on you, your adopted child, your existing children, your spouse, and others. Unrealistic expectations can harm your relationships and leave you working toward false goals. They can, will, and most often do lead to disappointment. If you want your relationships to be successful, work on being aware of what is going on with you, with others, and within your relationships and set realistic expectations.

Do not expect others to be able to read your mind and always act according to your wishes. You do not share one mind, and they are different from you. Good communication is vital to a healthy family. Your family (existing children, spouse, and others) will likely need to adjust their expectations as well. Most families we spoke to found that their existing children had difficulty adjusting to their adopted sibling’s behaviors and the attention their adopted older sibling received. Make sure you check in with your family members to learn how they are doing. Have frequent, purposeful discussions with them acknowledging the successes and difficulties they are experiencing. Give them opportunities to express frustration that their expectations are not being met. Provide them with potential reasons why things are going the way they are. Have family members try to look at things from other family members’ perspectives.

Equally important, your expectations cannot change people. One of the biggest challenges people face in life is learning to accept people as they are. You can accept people while not accepting their behavior. People who do not feel accepted feel rejected, which is a form of identity destruction and can lead to many negative outcomes. Your older adopted child will be required to do a lot of work to adjust and change. You cannot change people, but you can help facilitate their process toward positive, healthy change. Life does not always work the way we imagined or planned and working hard to adjust accordingly to where everyone is at and what they are capable of may be beneficial. Adjustments can be long-term or moment-to-moment as needed.

Though we tend to set our expectations unconsciously, it does not prevent us from consciously adjusting them up or down. If you observe yourself repeatedly disappointed by experiences you feel you should be able to enjoy, you may benefit from consciously lowering your expectations somewhat. Similarly, if your expectations are continually low, your pessimism may prevent you (and possibly others) from enjoying the anticipation of good things, and you may want to work on allowing yourself to expect a little more. Going into situations with an open mind, not expecting certain things, allows you to fully engage without the pressure of living up to preconceived notions.

Consider taking a few moments to reflect on your expectations for yourself and for others.

The Role of Parents

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

One area of research that I cover in the college course I teach is the study of Information Processing. Information Processing looks at how people process information and experiences which determines behavior. In my class, we discuss the implications on leader behavior. If you are unfamiliar with the concept (especially if you are an information junkie like me), I encourage you to research it.

I remember teaching a class several years ago when the implication on older child adoption hit me in middle of my lecture. I view one aspect of information processing as a mental box where we store information in our mind based on research or personal experience. In my class, we talk about the impact on leadership. The type of leader you are depends upon things you have learned, read, and experienced. If you have only experienced a leader who “hides” in the office while leaving the team to do whatever they think is best, then chances are when it is your turn to lead, you will lead in a similar manner. However, perhaps you have studied about leaders who gather input from their followers. What you learn will also go you’re your mental leadership “box.” When it is your turn to lead or manage, you will look into the leadership box, reflect on the contents, and lead from your knowledge and experience.

So what was my lightbulb parenting moment? At that time, our daughter had not been home for very long and we were struggling with her accepting our role as parent. It was in that moment I realized the application of this theory in our life. She had no frame of reference for the concept of “parent” since she had never truly had a parent before. Her “box” marked parent was empty. Since she hadn’t experienced having a parent before, she did not know how to respond. And she did not know what role parents play in their child’s life. Further, her “box” for “teacher” was distorted. The teachers she had experienced before coming home acted in many ways like a parent by teaching things parents generally taught and providing care and concern. In those first few years, she would say she did not want us to teach her various life skills, she wanted her teachers to do that. It did finally click that teachers taught academics, not necessarily relationship or various life skills.

Since becoming an adult, she has had to readjust her expectations of parents. We do not live close to our extended family, so she had limited opportunities to see me interact with my parents. Consequently, she has had to learn what role parents play in the lives of their independent, adult children. And to be honest, so have I.

How do you think your child views parents based on their past experiences? What information do they have in their mental “parenting box”? How can you contribute positive things to their perspective? And further, how can you not take their inappropriate responses to you (as their parent) personally? Really, that may be the most important question to ask yourself.

From Lying to Honesty

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Resources

For anyone to be healed from lying, they must discover what is driving them to lie in the first place. Honesty begins with oneself. Honesty with oneself and others—by accepting and telling the truth—is the foundation of lasting relationships and a must for security and well-being. So, what can you do to help your child progress to honesty? You can start by trying to understand the reasons why your child is lying. (Our list of various reasons people lie is in the previous blog post). When you have an idea of why your child is lying, you can respond more effectively.

How to address lying varies for each child as does his or her reasons for lying. There is no single way to solve every child’s lying. However, according to Victoria Talwar and her colleagues who study children’s lie-telling behavior, forcefully confronting any suspected lying and threatening with punishment only make children work harder to become better and more frequent liars.

If you are trying to get to the truth with your child, you can help your child justify his or her actions by saying how reasonable it is to avoid embarrassment or to want to make a good impression. You can use phrases like: “You wish that were true.” “You’re embarrassed and didn’t want me to find out.” “You want your brother to get in trouble so he cannot go to his friend’s house, because you’re upset you’re not going to a friend’s.”

  • Making children aware of their reasons for lying will help them to understand themselves better and to feel better understood by you. It is important to help them learn the alternative to lying is to be honest. “I wish I had a cool story to tell my friends about what we did this summer.” “I’m embarrassed and did not want to tell you I got a C on my test.” “I really don’t want to get in trouble for breaking the lamp because it was an accident.” You might need to work on acknowledging and accepting some of their honesty. It may mean being careful you hear your child’s honesty and do not focus on something else. If your son says, “I don’t like this shirt you bought me,” rather than focusing on his lack of gratitude and the money you spent, be glad he told you the truth. Try to always be positive whenever your children tell the truth.
  • When possible, avoid lecturing or criticizing your child which can be counter-productive, leading to defensiveness and more lying. Do not ask a question when you already know the answer, because it is often an invitation for children to lie. Instead of saying “Is your bag ready?” say, “I noticed your bag isn’t ready.” Please do not call your child a liar as it can lead to more lying to confirm your expectations. It can also trigger trauma of past name calling (e.g., “You’re a bad kid.” “You’re stupid.”). Further, your child may be convinced that change is impossible and quit trying not to lie. It is also not helpful to bring up past transgressions such as, “This is the fourth time you have lied this week.” Remember to be a good model for what you want from your children. Praising them for telling the truth may encourage them to be less likely to lie. You can also help them to see that a little deceit is not worth defending because the more they lie, the more it becomes a problem in their life.
  • As you use the list of various reasons for lying to help determine your child’s intent for lying, you may start to notice a pattern providing insight into your child’s lying. Perhaps you will come to the realization that your child is lying about his or her grades because of perceived pressure to achieve. If your child repeatedly lies to avoid discipline, perhaps reassessing your consequences with your child might be helpful. The point of consequences should be to teach your child, not inflict distress.
  • Parents have mentioned the frustration of their child laughing when caught telling a lie. Inappropriate laughter can be a sign of anxiety. It is most likely that their laughter is due to anxiety about getting caught and what might happen, rather than because they thought their lie was funny. Pointing out the anxiety will help them learn to be honest. Their lying behavior might not be accepted, but their nervousness can be accepted. You can communicate that you understand them and desire to help them recognize possible reasons for their behavior. Verbally pointing out nervous behaviors like inappropriate laughter or lack of eye contact might also help you to avoid taking the behavior personally.

The more you understand the reasons for lying, the better you will understand your child, allowing you to provide more effective help for your child. Some research suggests children often lie out of fear. Therefore, once the fear is reduced, the lying will also decrease. However, determining the root cause of the child’s lying is not always straightforward which makes reducing or eliminating lying difficult. Therapy may be helpful in figuring out why your child feels the need to deceive, but ultimately, your child must purposely make the choice to tell the truth. For most children, increasing self-confidence (which lowers their anxiety and need for control) and feeling understood and accepted by themselves and others will be more therapeutic. It is much more difficult to help those who use manipulation and self-deception, but continuing to confront them and to point out things from others’ perspective may yield benefits eventually. 

Education Challenges

By | Blog, Challenges, Wisdom

In our research, the majority of older adopted children struggle in some area of education regardless of their home country. Honestly, this finding was surprising. I assumed those children adopted from other countries would struggle due to the language and educational differences. And they do. However, we found kids adopted through foster care struggled as well. Many experienced a variety of moves and school changes. Since every school tailors their curriculum to their school (within state and federal requirements), kids may have missed concepts when they change schools. Perhaps one school introduces multiplication in second grade while another waits until third grade. If a child changes schools between these years, they miss out on vital teaching.

In no way am I advocating that every school teach exactly the same curriculum at the same time, each school has its unique culture. They should have the freedom and flexibility to reflect their school’s community. However, changing schools can bring interruptions in learning for kids.

Kids in care tend to have holes in their education. It may be in social studies, math, science, reading, or writing. Really, it can be in more areas than academics. My daughter had been home almost two years and in high school when I discovered she had never been taught the order of the months of the year. She knew the month names, but she never knew what order they came in. I assumed she knew since it was something often taught in preschool or kindergarten, but she had never been exposed to it before.

Often kids in care “slip through the cracks.” Perhaps the child never had appropriate educational support at home and entered care at an older age. Maybe the child was not at one school long enough (or often enough) for teachers to discover a learning disability. Consequently, the child can go years without diagnosis and intervention causing further educational delays.

Difficulty or lack of understanding can often lead to lack of interest in learning. Some kids refuse to learn because they are embarrassed they do not understand. No one likes to feel dumb and sometimes a refusal has more to do with feeling inadequate than being unwilling.

How can parents help their kids?

  • Ask yourself if this is “can’t” or “won’t”. Sometimes it is hard to differentiate between (and do not be surprised if it is a little of both). Assuming “can’t” will help you have more understanding and patience for your child. Then remind yourself often that they cannot.
  • Talk with their teachers. Ask if they suspect learning challenges. Ask what areas where they believe your child needs the most help. Select a place to begin. Do not try to address everything at once. It will simply overwhelm you and your child which can lead to more frustration for everyone.
  • Encourage your child. They are probably as frustrated with their educational experience as you are. If they put forth the best effort they can do right now, celebrate that. Tell them you notice they are trying. Acknowledge the extra time they spent studying whether the grade reflects it or not. Encourage even small progress.
  • Breathe deep. Probably the best advice shared with me was from a mom who had adopted several older children. She learned early on in older child adoption to repeat: “my child’s behavior is not a reflection of me.” When we do not take on our child’s behavior as ours, we do not respond in embarrassment and frustration. We can want the very best for our kids, but they still have to do their part. And sometimes we need to adjust our expectations for ourselves and our kids.

Staying calm is key to helping our kids push through educational challenges to find a solution.