Category

Challenges

Apr 19
0

When You Cannot Rescue Your Child

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

Is your adult child making choices that make you cringe? You see the path they are on. You see the cliff they are heading straight towards (barreling at 80 miles at hour). You warn them. You scream WATCH OUT! You want to jump in the car and take over. You want to rescue them.

But you can’t.

Yeah. Been there.

In these moments, I have to keep reminding myself this hard truth:
I cannot rescue my child from his/her choices.

You may be thinking: What? I cannot rescue my child? But I want what is best for them. I don’t want them to experience hard things. They’ve experienced so much hard in their life. I want to protect them from experiencing more hard things. That’s what parents do: protect their child!

Protecting is a parent’s responsibility. True. But once your child becomes an adult, your responsibilities shift. You are no longer provider and protector. Instead, you are now advisor (but only when they ask).

What cliffs can we not protect our adult children from?

Quitting School. You’ve done all you can to ensure they finish high school. You know the challenges they will experience if they drop out. Or maybe they finished high school, but do not desire to pursue additional education. You see their academic potential, but they do not. They have to decide to do the work or not. You cannot do it for them.

Quitting a Job. They have a good job, but they decide it is too hard. Or too boring. Or too (insert today’s reason). Maybe their reasons are justified. Maybe they are not. Either way, they made the decision. You can help them brainstorm job options. You can walk beside them as they complete job applications (if they want your help). But that does not mean you pay their bills. It might not mean they move back home.

If they already live at home, what is their contribution to the household (pointing out each person’s contribution to the functioning of the house)? If they are not willing to contribute, then you may need to take more drastic measures. And none of them are easy for parents.

Getting Married. Maybe they warn you in advance, but maybe they tell you afterwards. Either way, they made the adult decision to get married (even if for teenage reasons). Now what? Now you remind them that they have a spouse and point them back to that relationship.

What if it is abusive? Then you continue to remind them you will help them when they decide this is not safe. And you pray for their safety. Maybe you get them out for a few days, but they have to choose to stay out. You pray they have a moment of clarity (and humility) to admit they made a mistake and get out for good. But they have to choose. And your nagging will not help.

Having a Baby. This is (for me) the hardest. Maybe it was an intentional decision to have a baby; maybe it wasn’t. Either way, an innocent baby is impacted by your child’s choices.

Document any neglectful behavior.
Take legal action if necessary (knowing it is not an easy path).

Is helping them with the baby best? Maybe, but maybe not. For some, providing a safe home for your child and grandchild may be a good option (but he/she still needs to contribute to the household at some level). For others, their child experiencing independent living as a parent is necessary.

If they are married, you need to point them back to their spouse and the responsibilities they have together. What if the spousal relationship is not good? Then they have to make the decision to make a change. Maybe that means counseling or perhaps divorce. But this is their decision to make. Again, parents can advise (if requested). However, your child has to act.

There is a fine line between enabling and supporting. I do not believe the difference is clear cut in every circumstance. Walking it is hard. There will be times when you enable them. But when you realize your error in enabling them forgive yourself then make a correction.

Please know you are not the only one struggling.

Many of us are right there walking this path with you.

Do not be afraid to ask for help. Never neglect the host of therapists, pastors and friends who can help guide you as you navigate the journey of parenting adult children.

Check out this blog for more ideas.

Jan 16
0

The Un-Motivation Factor

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

So many parents who adopt older children get excited about the many opportunities their newly adopted child will have after they join the family.

  • They will have regular, healthy meals.
  • They will have the opportunity to get a good education.
  • They will experience love and connection in their new family.
  • They may even be provided opportunities to heal from their past trauma through various types of therapies.

Most, if not all, of these opportunities would not have been possible before being placed in their new family.

However, many parents found that in the excitement to provide their child new opportunities, they neglected to take one factor into consideration: UNmotivation.

The unmotivation factor comes into play when the child is not interested in experiencing these opportunities. Perhaps they do not value education in the same way their parents do and are not as committed to achieving their highest educational potential. Or maybe they are not in a place where they can work through their past in therapy.

Consequently, the lack of motivation may be by choice, but it can also be due to inability. They may simply not be able to step outside of their comfort zone.

How can you inspire motivation in your child? Great question.

Some children may be willing and able to respond to your encouragement while others will not.

For some, it is about their need to be in control but other find changes scary. Some may jump at the chance to grow while others need to be prodded.

As parents, we simply need to continue to provide our children encouragement to pursue opportunities, yet we should not get discouraged or frustrated when our child chooses not to step outside of their comfort zone. It is hard to see their potential when they do not see it (or desire it).

But it is important to remember it is not our journey, it is theirs. We can only continue to encourage them while celebrating the small steps they make. And sometimes celebrating the small victories is what keeps us going!

Sep 17
1

Rehoming: A Dark Place in Adoption

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

A few years ago I did a post on Ending an Adoption where I provided tips on what parents can do before deciding to end an adoption.

Since then, I’ve heard of more families who have dissolved their adoption and placed their child in another family. Some utilized an agency while others did not.

In this post, I want to talk about how we can support families who feel ending their adoption may be their only choice and the best decision for their entire family.

In some situations, removing a child from the adoptive home is necessary. There may be safety concerns for other children in the household. There may be medical and psychological needs that cannot be met in the family.

No parent in this position takes the decision lightly. It is an incredibly stressful, difficult situation. The parents are in a lose/lose position.

No parent dreams of a day their home is not safe for one (or more) of their children. Nor do want to have to choose one child over another.

But sometimes…there is no choice.

Sometimes parents have to do what is best for every child in their home.

And sometimes that means removing a child from their home. Perhaps to get that child the medical and psychological care they need. Perhaps to restore a safer environment for another child.

What Can a Friend Do?

Pray for the family. Generally, parents do not come to this place from one small behavior/event. They have experienced a series of events and a progression of behavior. They need clarity and peace in their decision making.

Listen without judgment. It is difficult for parents to fully describe the state of their household. The stress. The challenges. The environment. The pressure. The decision. Do not assume you understand. Do not determine whether you believe they are making the “right” decision. Only they are experiencing it. Only they can decide.

Offer help. Bring dinner. Mow the yard. Babysit all the kids so the parents can take a break. Or babysit one child so the parents can focus on another. Do they express help to research options? Maybe help research therapy, respite, or doctors in your area.  

Families on the verge of dissolving have many needs. They need friends. They need understanding. They need love, care, and grace. 

And who knows? Maybe your open, non-judgmental friendship will help them through this dark time and they choose to continue to parent their child. Or maybe your support will be a comfort as they make the hardest decision of their life.

Aug 19
1

Maximizing Success in Transracial Adoption

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Resources, Wisdom

Being aware of the issues your family will face is key to maximizing your family’s success! Race must be an open topic of discussion in transracial adoptive families.

  • Consider your surroundings. Is your neighborhood racially and culturally mixed so that your transracial family does not appear unusual? Will your child be accepted as a teen the same as a toddler or child? Is there access to other transracial and cross-cultural families? Does your school have a variety of races and cultures represented in the classrooms, by both students and teachers? Ideally, it would be best if your child was surrounded by other children from his/her own culture or racial heritage. At the very least, your community should have some visible diversity so that your child does not stand out or become isolated. You may want to consider adopting more than one child from the same race or culture to reduce your child’s isolation and give your child an ally. However, only if you always wanted more than one child.
  • Teach your child about his/her heritage. Instill a sense of pride in your child’s heritage. Attending special ceremonies or holiday events–equivalent to cultural tourism–is not enough. Incorporate books, magazines, dolls, toys, games, foods, greeting cards, calendars, audiovisual media, and artifacts that reflect your child’s culture and ethnicity. Perhaps everyone in the family attends language classes to learn the child’s language or attends a church representative of the child’s background.
  • Seek relationships with others of his/her heritage. Find and develop personal relationships with people who are from the same background as your child. Seek mentors, groups, organizations, and activities from your child’s race or culture. Find hairdressers and health professionals of the same racial or ethnic origins. Your child will need ongoing relationships with others of his/her heritage, but keep in mind that your participation should be done to the extent the child is comfortable and the child’s comfort level might change at different stages. Not any person or organization just because of race or culture will suffice. Find people who are from the same area or from the same linguistic group.
  • Seek out other adoptive families of mixed race or culture. You will have more in common with the subculture of adoption than with either of the races or cultures involved. Your family and your child need reinforcement that comes from time with other transracial or cross-cultural adoptive families who face similar challenges. They can support you on issues of raising children in a multiracial family as well as experiences you have as a transracial adoptive family. There are several culture camps advertised in national adoption magazines that provide a chance to experience being the majority for an intense period of time. It also gives youth a chance to spend time with others who can share the joys and pains of growing up in a transracial adoptive family.
  • Educate your child and family about racism and intolerance. Transracial families often experience stares and people commenting on the mixed race of their family. Prepare ahead of time and give your child effective tools and techniques to combat racism. Create scripts for how your family wants to respond to stares and comments such as “Are those your children or are they adopted?” Most important is not how you respond, but that your response has been agreed upon with your child.
  • Do not tolerate racial or cultural slurs or jokes. Deal with racial or cultural slurs immediately and directly. Your child needs to know that is wrong and no one is allowed to say anything bad about his/her race or culture, no matter what the person’s intent or how important that person is to you or the family. Explain that prejudice will come from members of the racial majority and from members of his/her own ethnic group in the form of name calling, racial slurs, inferior treatment, exclusion, preconceived expectations, or physical violence. Help your child to understand it is the person saying or doing things that has the problem, not your child. Explain the history behind slurs and that they are hurtful. If you struggle with explaining or addressing these issues, seek out and attend courses or seminars to help challenge and confront racial or cultural prejudices. If one does not exist in your community, consider organizing one.
  • Validate your child’s feelings. The teen years are typically the hardest. It is important for your child to witness you investing in his/her culture and seeing others you rely on for their skills and abilities. However, as your child reaches teen years, he/she may need you to back off and let him/her be alone with his/her heritage. Your child may become embarrassed by his/her transracial family. Try not to take it personally and to respect that stage while your child is going through it. Friends whom the child related to may become uncomfortable. For example, some friends may no longer be willing to go out at night with a black adoptee for fear that the police will hassle them. This kind of prejudice is rarely articulated by teen adoptees, yet such racism can be a significant factor in the life of an adolescent adoptee in a transracial family. Regardless of what someone says or does, what is most important is validating your child’s feelings.
  • Acknowledge differences. Your experience of the transracial or cross-cultural adoption will be different than your child’s. You may feel your adoption has been successful with love for your child, your child appearing to do well in life, and your family never facing significant issues related to racial or cultural challenge. However, your child may have always experienced a sense of loss and alienation from his/her own culture but did not feel he/she had the right to express it. There may have been things your child never mentioned either to protect you or because the child feels shame and humiliation and is internalizing prejudice.
  • Practice responses. Empower your child to gain control of the situation. Discuss your child’s immediate response and alternatives. Act confidently. Teach your child problem-solving skills, including non-responses (e.g., ignoring the speaker) and verbal (e.g., whispering a response or asserting “They are my parents. I am adopted.” “My mother says that people who say that are ignorant.”) and nonverbal responses (e.g., staring back). Have your child practice these responses and model them when he/she is with you. Ask your child what he/she would like you to do, if anything, and then follow your child’s lead. However, if a racist act involves adults or an institution, such as the school, then you must take direct and decisive action yourself.
  • Understand where your child is developmentally. Have frequent check-ins to assess your child’s self-esteem and racial identity. The greatest challenge in raising children of a different race is teaching them to combat racial prejudice while building a strong self-esteem and racial identity.

This is part two of a series on transracial adoption. If you missed last month’s blog about self-esteem and racial identity, you can read it here.

Jun 15
0

Parenting in Hard Seasons

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Resources, Wisdom

It has been a challenging year. Parenting is stressful, but parenting in a hard season can push one to the brink.

For most, school is a time of respite for both parents and children. Kids get a break from their parents and parents get a break from their kids. However, with school closed this spring, parents moved into the role of parent and teacher. You were with your kids 24/7. Your stress level may have increased as your time away diminished (or vanished completely).

And now school is out; summer is here. (Am I the only one who felt like summer break started back in March?) Goodness, it is going to feel like a long summer.

So if you are struggling, here is a list of resources to help you survive what may be the longest summer break in history.

Overcoming Exhaustion
Parenting Survival Guide
Loving your Child When it is Hard
Strengthening Your Support System
Adjusting Your Expectations

How do you cope in hard seasons?

Mar 17
0

Preparing Older Kids for Adulthood

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with The Adoption Connection to talk about how to prepare older kids for adulthood.

We wanted to share this conversation with you as well. I share information as a mom who recently launched a child. But I also share stories from some of the families we interviewed for our book. We hope you find this information to be helpful on your parenting journey!

You can also find additional helpful tips on my recent post Launching your Child into Adulthood.

Feb 17
0

Helping an Older Child Adjust to Your Home

By | Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

This post written by both Dr. Kris and Dr. Kelly was originally posted as a guest post on AdoptUSKids.

When you adopt a child, it’s easy to focus on their immediate needs: home, food, routine, education, people, etc. These are all important, and your child certainly experiences significant changes that require patience, love, and understanding from you as they adjust to their unfamiliar life. But there are other areas of focus that can help an older child adjust as well.

Be trustworthy. Your child may not have experienced trustworthy adults. Tell the truth. Keep your word. Be predictable. Guard your child’s business carefully. When you make a mistake, admit it, apologize, and seek ways to make things right. Remember that it will take time to build trust if the child has experienced significant broken promises in the past.

Communicate expectations. Your household rules may be different from what your child experienced. Your child may not be used to the structure and schedule of your family. Think about changes you might make based on what the child is used to and most comfortable with. Consider posting your schedule so everyone knows what to expect, but prepare for moments when a family member needs flexibility in the schedule (more down time or additional one-on-one attention, sensory activities, rest time, etc.).

Encourage honesty. Let your child be honest without taking their words personally. Give them opportunities to express thoughts and feelings without responding as though your feelings are hurt. Allowing them to be heard will encourage communication.

Give them alone time. Your child may express a desire to be alone, or you may sense that they want alone time. If you ask them and they say “yes,” then you should provide a safe space for the child to be alone. The child may need some time to relax; have some peace and quiet; or want to express sadness, anxiety, anger, etc. in private. Alone time can also be good for reading a book, listening to music, or drawing. You may need to balance some alone time and time bonding with the family.

Be open-minded and accepting. Your child may have traditions or habits that seem odd or unacceptable in your family, such as eating fast, chewing with an open mouth, or using inappropriate language. Do not attempt to change every habit that you think needs changing. Prioritize relationship-building first and then, over time, address the most significant behaviors (perhaps safety-related) and leave the rest for later.

Let them be a kid. Your child may have faced more responsibilities and concerns than other kids their age, including having been in a parenting role and caring for younger children. They may not know how to play independently and may need to be entertained. Give them opportunities to be a kid and express needs or interests of a younger child. This might mean letting your teenager play with dolls or toy cars, allowing them to play dress-up, or letting your preteen snuggle with you and read picture books. Parent to your child’s needs, rather than the date on their birth certificate.

Serve familiar foods and make food available. Your child may have eaten different foods than your family regularly eats. Have some of their favorite foods on hand. You might serve something familiar at every meal or include familiar food in their regular meal plan rotation. Consider the needs of your child first and then make it work for your family. Some children had limited access to food and may worry food will not always be available. For children with food insecurities, it is especially important to have snacks readily accessible.

Plan for a good night’s sleep. Some children may never have slept in their own room. Consider making a cot on the floor by your bed to help your child adjust to your home. Some children may want to sleep with the overhead light on, or they may want a nightlight or small lamp on at night. Some may feel safer and sleep better with toys arranged a certain way and left untouched by others.

Provide opportunities for therapy. Depending on their age, talk with your social worker about incorporating Theraplay, play therapy, filial therapy (an empowering form of family therapy), art therapy, or equine therapy into your child’s routine. Family therapy may be beneficial in promoting collaboration and connection as well. Group therapy can be beneficial for several reasons, including letting your child hear from other children.

Dec 11
0

When Adult Children Struggle

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

I’ve noticed a common theme on social media lately: Our adult children are struggling. But parents are struggling, too. I do not have all the answers, but I’ve learned a few things in the last two years since my daughter launched.

Kids from hard places struggle more than kids with little trauma in their background.

All parents desire the very best for their children. We often want to make our children’s lives easier. It is why we’ve invested in a variety of extracurricular activities to help them discover their passions. It is why we encouraged years of therapy to help them heal. And it’s why we attend conferences and read books to better parent our children through their past trauma.

All of those are great tools. But I’ve realized something else, too.

Our kids have to choose.

Whether it is hard for them to choose healing because they can’t or because they won’t, they still have to choose. They have to choose to do the hard work to heal. They have to choose to attend therapy. They have to choose to face the past trauma. They have to choose to practice the techniques and use the tools. We cannot do the work for them (although don’t we wish we could?). It is their work to do.

So what can we do?

Pray. It seems the least active, but it truly is the most powerful. Pray for their healing. Pray for their protection. Pray they will make right choices. Pray that God would correct any wrong thinking (in them and in you). Pray that you will have the wisdom to know how best to help them.

Support. It means listening when they are sharing their hardship. It means saying “Wow. That sounds hard.” Or “Gosh, I’m sorry you experienced ___ (a difficulty in a relationship; losing your job; a hard day at work, etc.).” It means offering them a home cooked meal or bringing them a bag of groceries when they have little to eat. It may mean helping them pay their rent. But it might not mean giving them money. It might not mean letting them move back home. It might not mean solving their problems for them. And sometimes it may even mean not giving them advice.

Accept. It means accepting that there is only so much you can do to help your child heal. It means accepting your child may not change today, in the near future or ever. It means accepting that your child is not where you dream or desire them to be. It means accepting that when you have done your best your child’s behavior may still be embarrassing and bring judgment from others. It means accepting you cannot fix them; their behavior is not a reflection of your parenting. It means accepting them where they are, although it is hard to accept that they are not making different choices.

It is incredibly difficult to see our children make poor choices. It is hard to see them continue to make the same choices that cause them to struggle. It is hard not to want to fix it for them. But once our children become adults, our role has changed to one of acceptance and emotional support.

Sep 21
0

Things to Consider when Looking for a Therapist

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Resources, Wisdom

Finding a therapist with adoption experience – specifically older child adoption experience – who is trauma- or attachment-focused can seem nearly impossible. We have some recommendations for finding a therapist or counselor who uses a developmentally appropriate approach.

Seek Recommendations

  • Look for recommendations of therapists or counselors who work with children and families. Check with other adoptive families, professionals (such as pediatrician, family lawyer, social worker, pediatric occupational therapist, audiologist, school counselor), family and friends, your employer, or your insurance company.

Search Online

  • There are online services like GoodTherapy.org, PsychologyToday.com, and others that can be helpful in locating therapists in your area; however, keep in mind that listed therapists pay a fee for membership to be included on these lists. There are some great therapists listed, but there will be some great ones not listed, and others may be listed but not so great.
  • There are many professional organizations, institutes, and networks that contain directories of therapists and other support that may assist in your search (such as Attachment & Trauma Network, Inc; Association for Training on Trauma and Attachments in Children (ATTACh); The Theraplay® Institute; The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN); TF-CBT National Therapist Certification Program).

Travel Distance

  • Good and convenient often do not go hand-in-hand. You can probably find a therapist 10 minutes from your house, but you might find a better one who is worth a longer dive. A longer drive home can provide time to process feelings and thoughts from the therapy session.

One or More Therapists?

  • There are no easy answers to the question of should we have one therapist or multiple therapists. Discussing the pros and cons with the therapist will be helpful in avoiding potential pitfalls in your therapeutic work.

Therapist’s Gender

  • You will want to choose the gender you or your child prefer to work with. However, your reasons may be something you need to discuss with the counselor.

Things to Ask Therapists

  • Are you a licensed counselor or therapist?
  • Are you a registered therapist, or do you have any additional certifications?
  • What is your training or educational background?
  • What percentage of clients are adolescents (if you are seeking counseling for your teen)? …families? …foster, adoption, or attachment related issues? …trauma related?
  • How much of your work involves the use of art, play, or team building exercises with adolescents and with families?
  • What do you believe is required for healing?
  • Do you work with other professionals in your clients’ lives, such as medical doctors, psychiatrists, schools, or other interventionists?
  • Are you willing to work with both our family and our child individually, or do you suggest we have different therapists?
  • If you will be seeing our child individually, how involved or informed will we be?
  • Do you make referrals if you identify my child or family needs additional or different services?
  • Do you provide psychoeducational assessments* or do you have someone you recommend who does?  

*A variety of psychoeducational assessments are available to assess individual aptitudes, attitudes, abilities, achievements, interests, personal characteristics, disabilities, and mental, emotional and behavioral disorders.

Ask About Their Fees

  • If you cannot afford them, tell them what you can afford because this could be a long-term process. Some may be willing to reduce their fees.
  • Many community clinics can provide counseling on a sliding scale fee.
  • Some universities have clinics where students-in-training provide counseling at a lower cost. However, they are students, and therefore they will not have the training and experience of a fully-trained therapist.   

Listen to Your Intuition

  • Is the person you are talking to trying to sell themselves or are they really telling you about how they work?
  • Who makes you feel the most relaxed and encouraged?

It is our belief that it is essential for therapists or counselors to network with caregivers, school personnel, and sometimes other professionals to obtain a complete and accurate picture of the child and his or her needs. We also like the use of assessments that are up-to-date, valid, and reliable. If you struggle to find a therapist or counselor who fits our suggested criteria, you may find one who is willing to research and learn. Remember, counseling is an investment that often brings great returns. 

Jun 23
0

What Is Going on with My Child? Looking for Root Causes of Behaviors

By | Challenges, Parenting

Last month, I received a message from a mom in crisis. She was overwhelmed by her child’s behavioral challenges which led her to fearing her child had Oppositional Defiant Disorder or some other disorder. She was concerned, overwhelmed, and exhausted; and her child was displaying violent behaviors. I believed she had valid concerns, so I wanted to hear more as I helped her find a solution.

Whenever I talk with parents, my first question usually is, “have either you or your child been ill recently?” Why is this important? Because when we are sick, we usually do not act like ourselves. A week earlier had been unusual for the family since mom was sick. If she wasn’t feeling well, it is natural the child picked up on that. Not realizing how bad mom felt, the child might have misinterpreted mom as being irritable with the child. Sometimes our kids (or others) take things personally by mistake.

Upon hearing that mom had been sick, I asked if the child had complained about not feeling well recently. Mom said the child had stomachaches. I asked about the child’s bowel movements and discovered the child struggled going to the restroom. I asked if mom had previously noticed a correlation between the child’s behavior and the child’s bowel movements. She said she observes more negative behaviors when the child has not had a bowel movement for a few days. Perhaps the child’s behaviors have been abnormally heightened due to not feeling well (perhaps the child caught what made mom sick or is fighting it off – which makes the body work harder and tire easier, or perhaps the child is just backed up and feeling bloated). I asked mom if the child took probiotics or a gentle laxative. She said no, but she had previously considered it. (Always talk to your child’s doctor about these things!)

So maybe it’s not “what’s wrong with this kid?”; rather, it’s “what’s going on?” Whenever, things are tough we must look at the big picture and examine the small changes going on in our world AND the child’s world. School is out for summer break, so the child is no longer around teachers or friends. Mom was no longer getting a break from the child being at school, and mom had been sick.

Things to consider for addressing some negative behaviors can include:

  • Communicate any parenting changes with the child (e.g., new expectations, rules, consequences or rewards), emphasizing that the changes will help everyone.
  • Consistency is key. Everyone needs to be on the same page, including the family’s external support system.
  • Communicate with friends and family before problematic behaviors arise. Alert them of your plan so they are not surprised in the moment. The immediate goal is to keep everyone safe and deescalate negative situations. Stating “sorry we have to go now” to friends and family should suffice if you have stated your plan ahead of time.
  • Your child may refuse to leave. Prepare for what options you and your friends or family are comfortable with if that becomes the case. Perhaps the plan would be to have others remove themselves or their child so you and your child can be alone in the child’s current spot.
  • The child may prefer to lay on the floor, hit/throw a pillow, sit in your lap, or go to a corner to be alone. Remaining close by or by exits might be necessary to keep everyone safe.
  • Be prepared by having a drink and snacks or calming activities on hand. Carry items like: chewing gum, crayons and coloring pages, a book to read, playing cards, a notebook for writing/drawing feelings out, playdoh/modeling clay, or materials to make a bracelet as an outlet for your child.
  • Sensory or repetitive type activities can be very calming. You can also suggest rocking in a rocking chair, tossing a ball, pushing against a wall, going for a walk, riding a bike, jumping like a frog, having a dance party, or listening to calming music.
  • Remember to communicate the plan with your child. “If we have to leave, and you cannot walk out to the car with me, then I will need to carry you or ask someone to help me get you into the car.”

If you know your child is struggling, limit your time in public, but do not isolate from friends or family. Consider activities at your own home or theirs. Make sure everyone is on board with the plan if a negative behavioral issue needs to be addressed. Having your kids in social situations or you modeling social skills are great learning tools for your kids. Utilizing consequences, positive reinforcements, or rewards are other ways to help your kids learn how certain situations could be handled.

Look for changes and reasons as to why the child’s behavior might be different. Consider:

  • As the weather gets warmer, take breaks and drink lots of water.
  • How can I help this child’s situation?
  • What does this child want?
  • What does this child need right now? If you believe your child may be hungry or thirsty, say “here is a glass of cold water for you. Would you also like a snack?” If you think the child needs to feel loved, ask “can I give you a hug?” Reassure the child you love them even when you don’t love their behaviors.

A follow-up with this mom revealed they started the child on probiotics, were implementing positive reinforcements, and were giving the child a no tolerance hitting policy. The child’s violent behavior had diminished dramatically. Instead of considering Oppositional Defiant Disorder, we discussed the child may feel situational anxiety about what to expect over the summer. Perhaps the child was feeling disappointed when mom was sick or angry over expectations not being met. Or simply the child was fighting off sickness.

Sometimes we just need to give ourselves and our kids some grace instead of creating more anxiety for everyone. And always strive for being aware. Look for intentions and explore expectations.