Category

Parenting

Jan 16
0

Launching Your Child into Adulthood

By | Blog, Parenting, Resources, Wisdom

Our oldest moved out last summer. Before she moved out, I felt so much panic with the realization that I only had a few more months to teach the necessary skills to live independently! Thankfully, we began working on some of them at age 16 and have progressively covered the majority of them. Consequently, we spent the last few months focusing on the areas that needed improvement before officially launching on her own.

Did I expect her to be 100 percent successful? NO! I realized she was going to make mistakes (I made plenty…and still make them). However, if she learned the basic skills, she would be able to make small mistakes (such as overspending one week) instead of large ones (such as being unable to pay her rent).

Here are some of the areas we worked on to help her launch successfully:

Budgeting. I wish I could say that we saw great success in this area over the last four years, but I will say there was progressive improvement. The rate of improvement increased once the timeline to move out was determined. It is as though the impending move out date brought urgency to learn the skills necessary to be successful. We introduced the envelope system several years ago to introduce money management skills which works for many, but ultimately, your child needs to have some level of self-control. Self-control and impulse control are some of the areas that many older adopted children struggle with. But keep at it. Everything may not stick. Ok, most of it will not stick, but hopefully some aspect of what you are trying to teach will. And remember, you probably stumbled when you first moved out. And you child will too.  

Cooking Skills. One mom in our study shared how she required her daughter to meal plan, grocery shop and cook one complete meal a week. Every week it had to be something different to broaden her cooking skills. Mom was always available to ask questions or to assist, if needed, but she found her daughter’s confidence grew every time she tried a new dish. What a brilliant idea! I cannot guarantee that your child is going to appreciate the opportunity to learn to cook. However, perhaps asking them to cook along side you a few times a week will help them learn some basic cooking skills so they will not be living off microwaveable meals. But, if they do that, it is okay, too.

Housekeeping Skills. Several years ago, I realized that while my daughter successfully completed the chores I asked her to, I was the one making the request. It occurred to me that when she got her own place, she was going to need to think of these things on her own. We created a weekly rotation of chores so she would be in the habit of completing them regularly. There are certainly things we have missed (such as remembering to wash the bathroom towels regularly and remembering to wipe off kitchen counters), but overall, she confidently knows how to keep her apartment clean.

Wisdom from Adoptive Families: Joys and Challenges in Older Child Adoption has an entire chapter on preparing your child for adulthood. One dad shared how he helped his children learn to budget using a debit card that worked for his kids. The ideas that families shared on how they are teaching their child are excellent!

Remember, as parents, it is our responsibility to give our children the tools necessary to be successful. You can provide opportunities for them to learn skills, but it is still their responsibility to use them. Do not feel like you are a failure if your child does not take advantage of the teaching/learning opportunities you provide. I often tell my daughter, “I can give you all the tools you need to be successful, but it is your choice to use them or not.” If you are providing the opportunities, you have done what you can which is all that is asked of us.

Dec 11
0

When Adult Children Struggle

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

I’ve noticed a common theme on social media lately: Our adult children are struggling. But parents are struggling, too. I do not have all the answers, but I’ve learned a few things in the last two years since my daughter launched.

Kids from hard places struggle more than kids with little trauma in their background.

All parents desire the very best for their children. We often want to make our children’s lives easier. It is why we’ve invested in a variety of extracurricular activities to help them discover their passions. It is why we encouraged years of therapy to help them heal. And it’s why we attend conferences and read books to better parent our children through their past trauma.

All of those are great tools. But I’ve realized something else, too.

Our kids have to choose.

Whether it is hard for them to choose healing because they can’t or because they won’t, they still have to choose. They have to choose to do the hard work to heal. They have to choose to attend therapy. They have to choose to face the past trauma. They have to choose to practice the techniques and use the tools. We cannot do the work for them (although don’t we wish we could?). It is their work to do.

So what can we do?

Pray. It seems the least active, but it truly is the most powerful. Pray for their healing. Pray for their protection. Pray they will make right choices. Pray that God would correct any wrong thinking (in them and in you). Pray that you will have the wisdom to know how best to help them.

Support. It means listening when they are sharing their hardship. It means saying “Wow. That sounds hard.” Or “Gosh, I’m sorry you experienced ___ (a difficulty in a relationship; losing your job; a hard day at work, etc.).” It means offering them a home cooked meal or bringing them a bag of groceries when they have little to eat. It may mean helping them pay their rent. But it might not mean giving them money. It might not mean letting them move back home. It might not mean solving their problems for them. And sometimes it may even mean not giving them advice.

Accept. It means accepting that there is only so much you can do to help your child heal. It means accepting your child may not change today, in the near future or ever. It means accepting that your child is not where you dream or desire them to be. It means accepting that when you have done your best your child’s behavior may still be embarrassing and bring judgment from others. It means accepting you cannot fix them; their behavior is not a reflection of your parenting. It means accepting them where they are, although it is hard to accept that they are not making different choices.

It is incredibly difficult to see our children make poor choices. It is hard to see them continue to make the same choices that cause them to struggle. It is hard not to want to fix it for them. But once our children become adults, our role has changed to one of acceptance and emotional support.

Oct 22
0

Resources about Trauma for Teachers

By | Blog, Parenting, Resources, Wisdom

As parents we often struggle to help our child’s teacher understand the impact of trauma in the classroom. We try to share information we have learned. So we try to share articles and resources from professionals “with credentials” with teachers and administrators.

Some teachers and administrators gladly accept the knowledge we share while others are less enthusiastic. I always struggle walking the fine line between being forceful and strongly encouraging their understanding.

Last month on Facebook, I posted a variety of resources that can be shared with teachers about the impact of trauma on the classroom. Here are a few of my favorites:

How Trauma Affects Kids in School

Helping Traumatized Children Learn (includes video lectures from a professor about the impact of trauma)

This is a Student’s Brain on Trauma

10 Things about Childhood Trauma Every Teachers Needs to Know

Hopefully, the teachers and administrators you share these resources with will be receptive to the research and become aware of students’ needs! Tell us how your teachers and administrators responded! We’d love to hear from you.

Sep 21
0

Things to Consider when Looking for a Therapist

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Resources, Wisdom

Finding a therapist with adoption experience – specifically older child adoption experience – who is trauma- or attachment-focused can seem nearly impossible. We have some recommendations for finding a therapist or counselor who uses a developmentally appropriate approach.

Seek Recommendations

  • Look for recommendations of therapists or counselors who work with children and families. Check with other adoptive families, professionals (such as pediatrician, family lawyer, social worker, pediatric occupational therapist, audiologist, school counselor), family and friends, your employer, or your insurance company.

Search Online

  • There are online services like GoodTherapy.org, PsychologyToday.com, and others that can be helpful in locating therapists in your area; however, keep in mind that listed therapists pay a fee for membership to be included on these lists. There are some great therapists listed, but there will be some great ones not listed, and others may be listed but not so great.
  • There are many professional organizations, institutes, and networks that contain directories of therapists and other support that may assist in your search (such as Attachment & Trauma Network, Inc; Association for Training on Trauma and Attachments in Children (ATTACh); The Theraplay® Institute; The National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN); TF-CBT National Therapist Certification Program).

Travel Distance

  • Good and convenient often do not go hand-in-hand. You can probably find a therapist 10 minutes from your house, but you might find a better one who is worth a longer dive. A longer drive home can provide time to process feelings and thoughts from the therapy session.

One or More Therapists?

  • There are no easy answers to the question of should we have one therapist or multiple therapists. Discussing the pros and cons with the therapist will be helpful in avoiding potential pitfalls in your therapeutic work.

Therapist’s Gender

  • You will want to choose the gender you or your child prefer to work with. However, your reasons may be something you need to discuss with the counselor.

Things to Ask Therapists

  • Are you a licensed counselor or therapist?
  • Are you a registered therapist, or do you have any additional certifications?
  • What is your training or educational background?
  • What percentage of clients are adolescents (if you are seeking counseling for your teen)? …families? …foster, adoption, or attachment related issues? …trauma related?
  • How much of your work involves the use of art, play, or team building exercises with adolescents and with families?
  • What do you believe is required for healing?
  • Do you work with other professionals in your clients’ lives, such as medical doctors, psychiatrists, schools, or other interventionists?
  • Are you willing to work with both our family and our child individually, or do you suggest we have different therapists?
  • If you will be seeing our child individually, how involved or informed will we be?
  • Do you make referrals if you identify my child or family needs additional or different services?
  • Do you provide psychoeducational assessments* or do you have someone you recommend who does?  

*A variety of psychoeducational assessments are available to assess individual aptitudes, attitudes, abilities, achievements, interests, personal characteristics, disabilities, and mental, emotional and behavioral disorders.

Ask About Their Fees

  • If you cannot afford them, tell them what you can afford because this could be a long-term process. Some may be willing to reduce their fees.
  • Many community clinics can provide counseling on a sliding scale fee.
  • Some universities have clinics where students-in-training provide counseling at a lower cost. However, they are students, and therefore they will not have the training and experience of a fully-trained therapist.   

Listen to Your Intuition

  • Is the person you are talking to trying to sell themselves or are they really telling you about how they work?
  • Who makes you feel the most relaxed and encouraged?

It is our belief that it is essential for therapists or counselors to network with caregivers, school personnel, and sometimes other professionals to obtain a complete and accurate picture of the child and his or her needs. We also like the use of assessments that are up-to-date, valid, and reliable. If you struggle to find a therapist or counselor who fits our suggested criteria, you may find one who is willing to research and learn. Remember, counseling is an investment that often brings great returns. 

Jul 18
0

Being Fully Present & Connecting with Your Loved Ones

By | Blog, Parenting, Wisdom

What would your child or significant other say if you asked, “Do you think I use my phone (iPad, laptop) too much?”

What do they see? Perhaps they see you on your phone and think your phone is more important than them.

What do they hear? You might not realize that they hear your adult conversations or videos. Perhaps they hear you, your friends, or other family members gossiping or complaining – not things you want them to learn or think are okay.

To be that young vulnerable person ignored behind the phone held in a parent’s hand is far worse than we can describe. It has become a disturbing problem in our society. One that is shaping who are children are today and the people they will become.

Are your online communications more important than your child? No one wants to think their child feels forgotten or neglected because of a phone or electronic device.

Are you distracted and disconnected by your phone while your family is present? The truth hurts, but the truth can also heal. There is hope for changing from distracted to present, from not truly living to living, from disconnected to connected.

I want to share Rachel Macy Stafford’s article, “How to miss a childhood: The dangers of paying more attention to your cell phone than your children.” I enjoyed how she laid out the things we might do that are sacrificing our children’s childhoods and our own lives as well as her suggestions of things to focus on instead, so that we can grasp their childhood rather than miss it.

Maybe you will find this article difficult to read as I did. Maybe you will feel “mom guilt” like I did. But your child and society thank you as you try to get back to what really matters – connecting with our loved ones and being fully present.

I recently made a few adjustments to my phone use. I have turned off most notifications on my phone. I can control when I check email rather than letting my email disrupt me and my time with my family. I know 95% of those social media notifications are not worth the distractions. If I want to know what’s going on with friends before getting together with them, then I can browse their pages after my kids have gone to bed. I stopped exploring the Internet in the morning before the kids got up because they would see me on my phone or computer when they got up. I did not want them to think the Internet was the most important thing to me. This past year, I also found myself becoming a little resentful of how some of my phone conversations were taking time away from my family. I want to support others, but now I schedule time with friends twice a month where I can be fully present for them. Communicating my desire and goals with friends and family has helped them to better understand my need for change and my good intentions of a better childhood for my kids. Further, I can be a friend who can be fully present instead of half listening while also trying to parent kids.

What about you? Do you need to make changes in your electronic use to be present with your kids to grasp their childhood?

Please comment and share your experiences with us.

Jun 23
0

What Is Going on with My Child? Looking for Root Causes of Behaviors

By | Challenges, Parenting

Last month, I received a message from a mom in crisis. She was overwhelmed by her child’s behavioral challenges which led her to fearing her child had Oppositional Defiant Disorder or some other disorder. She was concerned, overwhelmed, and exhausted; and her child was displaying violent behaviors. I believed she had valid concerns, so I wanted to hear more as I helped her find a solution.

Whenever I talk with parents, my first question usually is, “have either you or your child been ill recently?” Why is this important? Because when we are sick, we usually do not act like ourselves. A week earlier had been unusual for the family since mom was sick. If she wasn’t feeling well, it is natural the child picked up on that. Not realizing how bad mom felt, the child might have misinterpreted mom as being irritable with the child. Sometimes our kids (or others) take things personally by mistake.

Upon hearing that mom had been sick, I asked if the child had complained about not feeling well recently. Mom said the child had stomachaches. I asked about the child’s bowel movements and discovered the child struggled going to the restroom. I asked if mom had previously noticed a correlation between the child’s behavior and the child’s bowel movements. She said she observes more negative behaviors when the child has not had a bowel movement for a few days. Perhaps the child’s behaviors have been abnormally heightened due to not feeling well (perhaps the child caught what made mom sick or is fighting it off – which makes the body work harder and tire easier, or perhaps the child is just backed up and feeling bloated). I asked mom if the child took probiotics or a gentle laxative. She said no, but she had previously considered it. (Always talk to your child’s doctor about these things!)

So maybe it’s not “what’s wrong with this kid?”; rather, it’s “what’s going on?” Whenever, things are tough we must look at the big picture and examine the small changes going on in our world AND the child’s world. School is out for summer break, so the child is no longer around teachers or friends. Mom was no longer getting a break from the child being at school, and mom had been sick.

Things to consider for addressing some negative behaviors can include:

  • Communicate any parenting changes with the child (e.g., new expectations, rules, consequences or rewards), emphasizing that the changes will help everyone.
  • Consistency is key. Everyone needs to be on the same page, including the family’s external support system.
  • Communicate with friends and family before problematic behaviors arise. Alert them of your plan so they are not surprised in the moment. The immediate goal is to keep everyone safe and deescalate negative situations. Stating “sorry we have to go now” to friends and family should suffice if you have stated your plan ahead of time.
  • Your child may refuse to leave. Prepare for what options you and your friends or family are comfortable with if that becomes the case. Perhaps the plan would be to have others remove themselves or their child so you and your child can be alone in the child’s current spot.
  • The child may prefer to lay on the floor, hit/throw a pillow, sit in your lap, or go to a corner to be alone. Remaining close by or by exits might be necessary to keep everyone safe.
  • Be prepared by having a drink and snacks or calming activities on hand. Carry items like: chewing gum, crayons and coloring pages, a book to read, playing cards, a notebook for writing/drawing feelings out, playdoh/modeling clay, or materials to make a bracelet as an outlet for your child.
  • Sensory or repetitive type activities can be very calming. You can also suggest rocking in a rocking chair, tossing a ball, pushing against a wall, going for a walk, riding a bike, jumping like a frog, having a dance party, or listening to calming music.
  • Remember to communicate the plan with your child. “If we have to leave, and you cannot walk out to the car with me, then I will need to carry you or ask someone to help me get you into the car.”

If you know your child is struggling, limit your time in public, but do not isolate from friends or family. Consider activities at your own home or theirs. Make sure everyone is on board with the plan if a negative behavioral issue needs to be addressed. Having your kids in social situations or you modeling social skills are great learning tools for your kids. Utilizing consequences, positive reinforcements, or rewards are other ways to help your kids learn how certain situations could be handled.

Look for changes and reasons as to why the child’s behavior might be different. Consider:

  • As the weather gets warmer, take breaks and drink lots of water.
  • How can I help this child’s situation?
  • What does this child want?
  • What does this child need right now? If you believe your child may be hungry or thirsty, say “here is a glass of cold water for you. Would you also like a snack?” If you think the child needs to feel loved, ask “can I give you a hug?” Reassure the child you love them even when you don’t love their behaviors.

A follow-up with this mom revealed they started the child on probiotics, were implementing positive reinforcements, and were giving the child a no tolerance hitting policy. The child’s violent behavior had diminished dramatically. Instead of considering Oppositional Defiant Disorder, we discussed the child may feel situational anxiety about what to expect over the summer. Perhaps the child was feeling disappointed when mom was sick or angry over expectations not being met. Or simply the child was fighting off sickness.

Sometimes we just need to give ourselves and our kids some grace instead of creating more anxiety for everyone. And always strive for being aware. Look for intentions and explore expectations.

May 13
0

What I wish I had known…in Older Child Adoption

By | Blog, Parenting, Wisdom

When I talk to families who have chosen to adopt an older child, I often wonder what were things they wished they had known about before adopting their child.

Here are a few I hear most often:

“I wish families who have already adopted an older child would be honest with how hard it is.” So often parents talk about the joys (and there are many), but rarely do they share with raw honesty the intense difficulties. Many agencies have prospective parents talk to other parents who have already brought their child home (which is GREAT!). Except these parents minimize the challenges and emphasize the blessings. While admirable, it does an injustice to prospective parents. A family cannot truly determine whether older child adoption is a good fit for them if they only hear the good. So if you are considering older child adoption, search out those who have adopted an older child. In fact, I would suggest that you reach out those who have been home OVER two years. Why? I don’t know what it is about two years, but things shift. Truth surfaces. Eyes are opened. Patterns are identified. Things start clicking. This was true for the majority of the forty families we talked to and it was true for us.

“I wish I had realized how important finding a support group was before we adopted.” Find social media groups. Find area support groups. Get connected. This group will be your lifeline. Or maybe you will find one or two people who you reach out to when you are challenged. Or empty. Or need encouragement. Find them. Before you bring your child home (if possible).

“I wish I had realized how absolutely consuming this journey would be.” Yes. 100% yes. One mom advised that you plan to set everything else aside for the first year, perhaps two. Maybe giving up everything is not realistic for you, but please consider reducing your involvement. You truly cannot understand the demands your new child is going to place on you (some purposely, but a lot to simply meet needs). And you truly cannot anticipate the how one person’s trauma impacts an entire household. Everyone will be impacted. Expect to make your world small for you and your family. I would also follow that up with find coping strategies that work for you. And do not feel guilty about TAKING time for yourself doing something you enjoy.

“I wish I had known how much un-teaching would be necessary before I would re-teach appropriate behaviors.” One mom commented their household appeared to have absolutely no rules and completely out of control children that first year. Remember, you cannot focus on everything your child needs to work on from day one. It is not possible. Another mom suggested focusing on issues of safety at the beginning. Once those have been unlearned, then relearned, you can focus on other issues (such as manners, grooming, etc.). It is a long journey marked by small successes that lead to larger ones.

These are only a few of the things families wish they had known before they adopted their older child. But I hope these help you—if you are considering older child adoption—to make an informed decision on whether it is the best fit for you. For those of you already home, I hope these help you know what to share with other prospective adoptive families who ask you about your experiences.

Feb 15
0

Overcoming Exhaustion

By | Blog, Parenting

Are you exhausted? Maybe the holidays have taken what little bit you had left right out of you. Perhaps spending time with extended family was simply too much. Or maybe your children’s behavior over the holidays simply drained your last drop of strength.

If you are experiencing parenting challenges, it is easy to fall into the mindset of “I just need to get through today.” You wake up the next day with the same thought on your mind. I have been there. Sometimes I still struggle to think that way.

How can you get off the hamster wheel of exhaustion? Purposefulness.

There really is no other way to do it than to be purposeful. We often tell our kids to make good choices even when it is hard. Yet, we often forget that sometimes we also need to make the hard choice to get rest despite the many demands on us.

What are some ways that you can purposefully rest without spending several thousand dollars on a vacation? Here are a few ideas you could implement today!

Have “Must-Go” dinner night. What is that, you ask? Whatever-is-in-the-fridge-that-must-go is for dinner! When I was growing up, every Sunday night was must-go. You could also serve cereal (if your family will go for that, but mine won’t). Pick up a ready-made meal that could easily be cooked in the oven. Make it a night with little work or preparation for you.

Leave the mess. Let go of the need to have your house looking perfect. The toys can be picked up tomorrow morning (with your kids help!). The messy kitchen and dirty dishes can be washed tomorrow. Just leave it and go to bed early. There will be more dirty dishes tomorrow and maybe you can garner help to wash them.

Is that hard? YES! Who wants to wake up to a messy house? But, getting more sleep will help change your outlook on your circumstances so you can face the mess.

Call for an “early” night. If you have older kids, give them the option to read, listen to soft music, or work on a quiet activity in their room until lights out. Then you do the same. Avoid blue light (light from electronics). Instead chose to participate in relaxing activities such as taking a bath or hot shower, reading a fun book, listening to calming music, or practicing mindfulness activities. If you enjoy essential oils, select a calming one (like lavender, a relaxing blend, or a grounding blend) and put it in a diffuser or place a small amount in your palms and breathe in deeply. You may also want to safely apply it to your neck and shoulders or to the bottoms of your feet.

Maybe you want to do all of these on the same night or maybe you want to pick just one. Perhaps consider working on your personal bedtime routine to incorporate more relaxing activities that promote restful sleep.

It is easy to keep pushing when you are exhausted. However, being exhausted can diminish your immune system and lead to illness. Be purposeful in finding ways to rest even when it is hard.

Jan 11
0

Adjusting Your Expectations

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

The beginning of a new year provides us the opportunity to reflect and look at our own expectations.

Unrealistic expectations put too much unnecessary pressure on you, your adopted child, your existing children, your spouse, and others. Unrealistic expectations can harm your relationships and leave you working toward false goals. They can, will, and most often do lead to disappointment. If you want your relationships to be successful, work on being aware of what is going on with you, with others, and within your relationships and set realistic expectations.

Do not expect others to be able to read your mind and always act according to your wishes. You do not share one mind, and they are different from you. Good communication is vital to a healthy family. Your family (existing children, spouse, and others) will likely need to adjust their expectations as well. Most families we spoke to found that their existing children had difficulty adjusting to their adopted sibling’s behaviors and the attention their adopted older sibling received. Make sure you check in with your family members to learn how they are doing. Have frequent, purposeful discussions with them acknowledging the successes and difficulties they are experiencing. Give them opportunities to express frustration that their expectations are not being met. Provide them with potential reasons why things are going the way they are. Have family members try to look at things from other family members’ perspectives.

Equally important, your expectations cannot change people. One of the biggest challenges people face in life is learning to accept people as they are. You can accept people while not accepting their behavior. People who do not feel accepted feel rejected, which is a form of identity destruction and can lead to many negative outcomes. Your older adopted child will be required to do a lot of work to adjust and change. You cannot change people, but you can help facilitate their process toward positive, healthy change. Life does not always work the way we imagined or planned and working hard to adjust accordingly to where everyone is at and what they are capable of may be beneficial. Adjustments can be long-term or moment-to-moment as needed.

Though we tend to set our expectations unconsciously, it does not prevent us from consciously adjusting them up or down. If you observe yourself repeatedly disappointed by experiences you feel you should be able to enjoy, you may benefit from consciously lowering your expectations somewhat. Similarly, if your expectations are continually low, your pessimism may prevent you (and possibly others) from enjoying the anticipation of good things, and you may want to work on allowing yourself to expect a little more. Going into situations with an open mind, not expecting certain things, allows you to fully engage without the pressure of living up to preconceived notions.

Consider taking a few moments to reflect on your expectations for yourself and for others.

Dec 11
0

Adopting Out of Birth Order

By | Blog, Parenting, Wisdom

No matter how you grow your family, your family experiences many changes. Of course, it changes in number, but the atmosphere also changes. The dynamics are different. Everyone is finding their place in the new normal. When you add a child younger than any existing children, every family member adjusts to cater to the youngest member of the family. And the family finds their new rhythm.

However, when the new child who joins the family changes the birth order, finding the rhythm is often more difficult. Not only does your new child have to figure out their place in their new family, but the existing children whose placement in the family changed also have to find their place.

For some children, a birth order displacement is minor. They may have a more flexible personality and can easily go with the flow of life. They will still have to learn how to respond or act to their newest sibling. They may need to figure out how to respond to a child who is chronologically older but acts younger than them. The parents may also need to figure out how to navigate that as well.

For other children, a change in birth order causes them to feel “demoted” in family “rank” which can incredibly difficult for some to accept. These children tend to be more competitive or often are identified as “natural leaders.” They may feel resentment toward the new child. They also may be confused on how to respond to a child chronologically older who acts younger than them. It can be especially difficult if the new child is now the oldest but is unable to fulfill the required responsibilities.

Before you decide to adopt out of birth order, consider these questions:

  • How will your existing child respond to a child who is chronologically older, but acts younger than they do?
  • How will your existing child handle the change of their place in the family?
  • How does your child handle change?
  • Will they struggle no longer being the oldest boy or oldest girl?

Perhaps ask others who know your child well for their thoughts as well.

Adopting out of birth order can work, but it does not always work. The unknown variable is how your new child is going to respond to their place in the family. Some adjust well while others want to be in charge of every family member. Some struggle to simply fit. Most will feel sad about family experiences they missed before joining the family. Often, this sadness is expressed as jealousy toward existing children. Then parents need to determine the best way to address that jealousy.