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adulthood Archives - Adoption Survival

When You Cannot Rescue Your Child

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

Is your adult child making choices that make you cringe? You see the path they are on. You see the cliff they are heading straight towards (barreling at 80 miles at hour). You warn them. You scream WATCH OUT! You want to jump in the car and take over. You want to rescue them.

But you can’t.

Yeah. Been there.

In these moments, I have to keep reminding myself this hard truth:
I cannot rescue my child from his/her choices.

You may be thinking: What? I cannot rescue my child? But I want what is best for them. I don’t want them to experience hard things. They’ve experienced so much hard in their life. I want to protect them from experiencing more hard things. That’s what parents do: protect their child!

Protecting is a parent’s responsibility. True. But once your child becomes an adult, your responsibilities shift. You are no longer provider and protector. Instead, you are now advisor (but only when they ask).

What cliffs can we not protect our adult children from?

Quitting School. You’ve done all you can to ensure they finish high school. You know the challenges they will experience if they drop out. Or maybe they finished high school, but do not desire to pursue additional education. You see their academic potential, but they do not. They have to decide to do the work or not. You cannot do it for them.

Quitting a Job. They have a good job, but they decide it is too hard. Or too boring. Or too (insert today’s reason). Maybe their reasons are justified. Maybe they are not. Either way, they made the decision. You can help them brainstorm job options. You can walk beside them as they complete job applications (if they want your help). But that does not mean you pay their bills. It might not mean they move back home.

If they already live at home, what is their contribution to the household (pointing out each person’s contribution to the functioning of the house)? If they are not willing to contribute, then you may need to take more drastic measures. And none of them are easy for parents.

Getting Married. Maybe they warn you in advance, but maybe they tell you afterwards. Either way, they made the adult decision to get married (even if for teenage reasons). Now what? Now you remind them that they have a spouse and point them back to that relationship.

What if it is abusive? Then you continue to remind them you will help them when they decide this is not safe. And you pray for their safety. Maybe you get them out for a few days, but they have to choose to stay out. You pray they have a moment of clarity (and humility) to admit they made a mistake and get out for good. But they have to choose. And your nagging will not help.

Having a Baby. This is (for me) the hardest. Maybe it was an intentional decision to have a baby; maybe it wasn’t. Either way, an innocent baby is impacted by your child’s choices.

Document any neglectful behavior.
Take legal action if necessary (knowing it is not an easy path).

Is helping them with the baby best? Maybe, but maybe not. For some, providing a safe home for your child and grandchild may be a good option (but he/she still needs to contribute to the household at some level). For others, their child experiencing independent living as a parent is necessary.

If they are married, you need to point them back to their spouse and the responsibilities they have together. What if the spousal relationship is not good? Then they have to make the decision to make a change. Maybe that means counseling or perhaps divorce. But this is their decision to make. Again, parents can advise (if requested). However, your child has to act.

There is a fine line between enabling and supporting. I do not believe the difference is clear cut in every circumstance. Walking it is hard. There will be times when you enable them. But when you realize your error in enabling them forgive yourself then make a correction.

Please know you are not the only one struggling.

Many of us are right there walking this path with you.

Do not be afraid to ask for help. Never neglect the host of therapists, pastors and friends who can help guide you as you navigate the journey of parenting adult children.

Check out this blog for more ideas.

Preparing Older Kids for Adulthood

By | Blog, Challenges, Parenting, Wisdom

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with The Adoption Connection to talk about how to prepare older kids for adulthood.

We wanted to share this conversation with you as well. I share information as a mom who recently launched a child. But I also share stories from some of the families we interviewed for our book. We hope you find this information to be helpful on your parenting journey!

You can also find additional helpful tips on my recent post Launching your Child into Adulthood.

Launching Your Child into Adulthood

By | Blog, Parenting, Resources, Wisdom

Our oldest moved out last summer. Before she moved out, I felt so much panic with the realization that I only had a few more months to teach the necessary skills to live independently! Thankfully, we began working on some of them at age 16 and have progressively covered the majority of them. Consequently, we spent the last few months focusing on the areas that needed improvement before officially launching on her own.

Did I expect her to be 100 percent successful? NO! I realized she was going to make mistakes (I made plenty…and still make them). However, if she learned the basic skills, she would be able to make small mistakes (such as overspending one week) instead of large ones (such as being unable to pay her rent).

Here are some of the areas we worked on to help her launch successfully:

Budgeting. I wish I could say that we saw great success in this area over the last four years, but I will say there was progressive improvement. The rate of improvement increased once the timeline to move out was determined. It is as though the impending move out date brought urgency to learn the skills necessary to be successful. We introduced the envelope system several years ago to introduce money management skills which works for many, but ultimately, your child needs to have some level of self-control. Self-control and impulse control are some of the areas that many older adopted children struggle with. But keep at it. Everything may not stick. Ok, most of it will not stick, but hopefully some aspect of what you are trying to teach will. And remember, you probably stumbled when you first moved out. And you child will too.  

Cooking Skills. One mom in our study shared how she required her daughter to meal plan, grocery shop and cook one complete meal a week. Every week it had to be something different to broaden her cooking skills. Mom was always available to ask questions or to assist, if needed, but she found her daughter’s confidence grew every time she tried a new dish. What a brilliant idea! I cannot guarantee that your child is going to appreciate the opportunity to learn to cook. However, perhaps asking them to cook along side you a few times a week will help them learn some basic cooking skills so they will not be living off microwaveable meals. But, if they do that, it is okay, too.

Housekeeping Skills. Several years ago, I realized that while my daughter successfully completed the chores I asked her to, I was the one making the request. It occurred to me that when she got her own place, she was going to need to think of these things on her own. We created a weekly rotation of chores so she would be in the habit of completing them regularly. There are certainly things we have missed (such as remembering to wash the bathroom towels regularly and remembering to wipe off kitchen counters), but overall, she confidently knows how to keep her apartment clean.

Wisdom from Adoptive Families: Joys and Challenges in Older Child Adoption has an entire chapter on preparing your child for adulthood. One dad shared how he helped his children learn to budget using a debit card that worked for his kids. The ideas that families shared on how they are teaching their child are excellent!

Remember, as parents, it is our responsibility to give our children the tools necessary to be successful. You can provide opportunities for them to learn skills, but it is still their responsibility to use them. Do not feel like you are a failure if your child does not take advantage of the teaching/learning opportunities you provide. I often tell my daughter, “I can give you all the tools you need to be successful, but it is your choice to use them or not.” If you are providing the opportunities, you have done what you can which is all that is asked of us.